You give the bear a spritz of spray on its snout. The charging bear winces, slowly backs away, and runs away. Maybe you missed your true calling as a professional bear aggressor? In the distance, you see a thick tree with a painted sign on it: CRYPTID REALTYDon’t “Myth” Our Listings This must be Bigfoot’s […]
You enter the woods near your apartment with a rent envelope. It’s not as attention-getting as a megaphone or as powerful as bear spray, but the envelope has Bigfoot’s address on it. You can go right to his office without dealing with side hijinx! You pass through dark trees, then enter a clearing in the […]
Bigfoot’s tree office door is closed. There’s a window in the door. When you peek inside, there’s a candle lighting a big appointment book on at his desk. You squint and can barely read what’s written on today’s date… 9 pm – “INSPECTION” NATTY @ 427 ❤ 427 is the number of your apartment building. […]
In the bathroom, behind the toilet, is your dusty plunger. You pick it up and pump the drain. The sewage level doesn’t decrease, but your nausea does increase as flecks of sewage splashback hit your clothes and face. This isn’t a “plunge it quick” problem. This is a “god-level plumber needed” problem. Try something else.
You return to the living room of your apartment. The odors are intensifying. What would you like to do? Search the woods for Bigfoot. Plunge the sink yourself. Send Bigfoot a sexy photoshop of a lady Bigfoot.
You knock on your neighbor’s door. There’s a pause, some muffled shuffling, then Nattie – in her 50s with messy hair and silk bathrobe – opens the door. “It’s late,” Nattie states after a long drag on a cigarette. “Whadda you want?” Uh, never mind. Can you help me find Bigfoot?
“Sorry to bother you, Natalie,” you say with a worried face. “My bathtub is overflowing with sewage. Bigfoot won’t return my texts or calls. Do you know how to reach him?” “I dunno,” Natalie says. “I’ve been in the building 31 years and rarely ever hear from him. I just mail my rent checks to […]
You’ve clearly annoyed your neighbor and that’s never a good idea. What if you get a cat someday and need her to make sure it doesn’t die when you finally take that sightseeing trip to Toledo you’ve been saving for? “Sorry to bother you. Forget it,” you say. She takes another puff, flicks what remains […]
“I know Bigfoot’s in there, Natalie,” you frown. “Tell him to get out here. Now.” “Is he…” Natalie looks like a deer in headlights. “No, why would… I mean, I’m not having sex with…” “I saw the appointment calendar on his desk. Tell him to get my goddamn tub fixed or I’m calling the city […]
Bigfoot was unable to fix the pipes himself. In fact, his hair kept clogging the drain and making things worse. So the cheapskate finally gave up and hired a plumber to snake it. Literally. The plumber was a medusa-like monster with snakes for hands. After using every bottle of Windex, every paper towel, and every […]
