“I like to kill humans,” you reply. “Yup, I like to murder those tiny-eyed, fingernail-having freaks for fun!” “PROVE IT,” the alien demands. “MURDER THE ELDERLY HUMAN ACROSS THE STREET FROM US NOW WHO IS CURRENTLY FEEDING DUCKS.” The creature points a tentacle at a sad old woman sitting on a park bench, feeding bread […]
“I like to consume flavorful slimes,” you lie, recalling a disgusting display of goo consumption you witnessed outside your window. “I love the way gloppy, viscous slime slithers down my non-human throat.” “OH, YOU DO? WOULD YOU ENJOY EATING SLIME IN FRONT OF ME, RIGHT NOW? AS YOU KNOW, THEY’RE TOXIC TO HUMANS,” the alien […]
“I like to watch blockbuster movies,” you reply. “I like superhero films that require you to watch dozens of other movies in order to understand them. Or action movies starring an old actor who should’ve retired years ago, slowly and painfully doing martial arts. Anything with the Minions in them. You know, the little guys […]
“I consult the mega brain!” you say with confidence, repeating something you heard on CNN before the anchors were all teleported to the broadcaster tunnels. “I love our giant, communal mega brain. To touch it is to know infinite wisdom.” “CORRECT,” the alien guard states. “ALL HAIL THE MEGA BRAIN!” “Mega Brain!” you reply. “Gotta […]
“I fire my pulverizer gun!” you say with confidence. “I’d fire mine at you right now for delaying my mission, but my gun’s currently… jammed.” “IT IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL FOR PULVERIZER GUNS TO ‘JAM’,” the alien guard states. You breathe faster. The guard keeps the gun trained at your sweating face. “WHAT AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE. […]
“NEXT QUESTION: HOW DO YOU ENTERTAIN YOURSELF BETWEEN MISSIONS FOR DIZOR, OUR GOD-KING?” the disgusting alien inquires. You think about this for a moment, then answer… “I like to consume flavorful slimes.” “I like to watch blockbuster movies.” “I like to kill humans.”
“I get sad,” you respond. “I’m in touch with my feelings and I’m not afraid to express them.” “EMOTIONS ARE FORBIDDEN BY OUR GOD-KING DIZOR. WE NEVER EXPRESS EMOTIONS. YOU ARE CLEARLY HUMAN AND HAVE WASTED MY PRECIOUS TIME, WHICH MAKES ME VERY ANGR– NEUTRAL! IT MAKES ME NEUTRAL! DIE, HUMAN SCUM!!!” As the guard’s […]
After getting dressed in a panic, throwing on a pair of old sweats and a Looney Tunes hockey sweatshirt, you’re ready to search the woods. If this is what it takes to find Bigfoot, so be it. Before you leave, you remember to grab one item. You take… A megaphone A can of bear spray […]
You enter the woods near your apartment with a can of bear spray. When seeking out a wild landlord, proceed with caution. You walk through rows of dark trees, until you reach a clearing. Under the moonlight, a tall hairy figure growls at you. Is that him? “Bigfoot, is that you?” you ask cautiously. “Or […]
You give the bear a spritz of spray on its snout. The charging bear winces, slowly backs away, and runs away. Maybe you missed your true calling as a professional bear aggressor? In the distance, you see a thick tree with a painted sign on it: CRYPTID REALTYDon’t “Myth” Our Listings This must be Bigfoot’s […]
