The poor captured bear stares numbly from across the ring. Whereas you decide to break your body for fun, profit, and artistic expression, Big Honker doesn’t have a choice. It’s being forced to perform. So you speak out on behalf of the bear.

“Before we start this match,” you yell to the fans, who are already booing in anticipation, “I want you redneck dipshits to know how much you suck for forcing a bear to fight. Bears should live in the wild, where they can hibernate and comically outwit forest rangers by stealing pic-a-nic baskets. This? This is wroooooong.”

Bored of your talking, the bear smacks you across the back with its giant paw, sending you flying back into your corner. Your face knocks against a metal turnbuckle. The crowd cheers as you spit out a tooth.

What would you like to do now?

Fight the bear.
Play dead.

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