You have selected inactive volcanoes for deletion from your Godbox. Inactive volcanoes were volcanoes that hadn’t erupted for thousands of years, and would’ve likely never erupted in the future. Not enough magma to be active volcanoes, but too weird to hang with the mountains clique, inactive volcanoes were geological outcasts. They shopped at Not-Hot Topic […]
You have selected “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down for deletion from your Godbox. “Kryptonite” was a 1999 hit single by the band 3 Doors Down. It inexplicably hit #3 on the Billboard Top 100, and painfully topped the Mainstream Top 40 for five unbearable weeks. The song was written by the band’s vocalist Brad Arnold […]
You have selected Pluto for deletion from your Godbox. Pluto was an icy dwarf planet which orbited the sun. It had seen better days. At the height of its fame, Pluto was the “little planet buddy” of the ice giants Neptune and Uranus. When Jupiter talked shit about Neptune, Pluto was the first to get […]
You have selected Balthasar for deletion from your Godbox. Balthasar was an ancient tree that produced over 300 pounds of oxygen each year and absorbed 56 pounds of carbon per year. This made Balthasar a heavy hitter in the fight against climate change. However, Balthasar was absolutely filthy. Its roots were covered in dirt. Its […]
GODBOX You have freed up space in your Godbox. You will be able to continue storing and accessing your universe, until we pester you again with another one of these emails. Thank you for continuing to not pay us a monthly fee. Remember, it’s against our terms and conditions if you alter the amount of […]
There’s a button on the right handle of your jetpack that says “Juice It!” You hit the button and fly high into the air. Wind in your hair. Bugs in your teeth. Exhilarating! You push this puppy and take it to the limit. When you level off at 15,000 feet, the control panel plays a […]
There’s a button on the right handle of your jetpack that says “Juice It!” You hit the button and fly high into the air. Wind in your hair. Bugs in your teeth. Exhilarating! You level off at 7,000 feet. In the near distance, a commercial aircraft is headed in your direction. It’s probably getting ready […]
There’s a button on the right handle of your jetpack that says “Juice It!” You hit the button and fly upward for a full minute at 60 miles per hour. Which means you’re now flying… how many… feet in the air? Wait, you have a jetpack now. You don’t need math anymore! There’s a bit […]
There’s a button on the right handle of your jetpack that says “Juice It!” You hit the button and fly upward… for a second, until the “Low Kerosene” light flashes. Apparently they didn’t put a full tank into this thing. Whatta rip! You slowly sink towards the ground, leveling off at 6 feet in the […]
