The warp opens up, dropping you into a friendly, adorable green world. The clouds all smile at you. The spike pits glisten in the sun. The alien bugs who kill you with one touch march to a catchy synth beat in the air. You stomp on top of a three foot tall bug, crushing his […]
You quickly point your arrow at Lord Pimpledump’s skull. “Throw the bag of gold coins at my feet or I’ll arrow his head off,” you shout to the king. “I’ll do it. I live in the woods, and therefore, I am crazy!” The king thinks for a moment. Your logic is irrefutable. He nods to […]
You let go of the arrow. It soars through the air, blazing towards the target – and splits Lord Pimpledump’s arrow in two! The crowd cheers and you bow to your adoring public. Since you both landed on the same spot, you and the haughty lord split the prize gold. Pimpledump looks unimpressed. “The old […]
You let go of the arrow! It soars through the air – and hits the very edge of the target. However, given the speed and power of your shot, the entire target is knocked to the ground. Lord Pimpledork’s arrow becomes dislodged, but yours stays on the target. “Aww, that’s too bad,” you say in […]
As you let go of the arrow, you trip on a wild pebble! Your arrow zooms over to the right, where a foodsmith is assembling delicious roasted hedgehog snout skewers in a metal cart for attendees. “Are you okaaaay?” Lord Pimpledump asks you, condescendingly. “Did you get a boo-boo ouchie?” But you never take your […]
You let go of the arrow! It soars through the air – and misses the target entirely by half a foot. It flies off into the dense forest. “Would you like a cup of water,” asks Lord Pimpledump, “seeing as how you just choked?” “Did I?” you wryly smile. There’s rustling from the treetops. Then […]
“Love was changing the mind of pretenders!” you shout to the heavens. Powerlight strikes down from the sky, absorbed by your outstretched hand. The spell was correct. In one smooth, rainbow motion blur, you punch the air! There’s a moment of eerie silence. Then deadly fireballs reign on the Unfunks from the heavens! From half […]
“Love was changing the mind of defenders!” you shout to the heavens. Nothing happens. You shout it again, but the spell does not work. Have the gods of progressive soul turned a deaf ear to your cries? Or are you misremembering the lyrics to “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire, the best song ever recorded? […]
“In the key that our souls were singing!” you shout to the heavens. Powerlight strikes down from the sky, absorbed by your outstretched hand. The spell was correct. In one smooth, rainbow motion blur, you clap your hands in the air! A powerful gust of sparkling wind escapes your hands and quickly reaches the Unfunks […]
“In the key that our hearts were singing!” you shout to the heavens. Nothing happens. You shout it again, but the spell does not work. Did the Unfunks damage the September Crystal, affecting all funk magic? Or are you misremembering the lyrics to “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire? On September 21st?! Is such a […]
