Your telecommunication laser lights up the floating energy grid with green and yellow balls of lightning. This is the most reckless experiment you’ve ever conducted as a word scientist and it’s making you unexpectedly horny. Soon, all 30 of the grid squares are lit up with different colors. Nothing else happens, so you stop. Chief […]
You tighten your grip around Killfinger’s handle. This hippogriff is about to get nine feet of cold metal through its hot bird-slash-horse intestines. It takes all your strength to heroically raise the elongated sword into the air, then you push the sword downward toward the beast. The heavy blade falls slowly and painfully, giving the […]
You tighten your grip around Killfinger’s handle. This hippogriff is about to get nine feet of cold metal through its hot bird-slash-horse intestines. It takes all your strength to heroically raise the elongated sword into the air. Killfinger wobbles uneasily in your hands, like a wizard lightweight in a tavern. The blade catches the sun, […]
You tighten your grip around Killfinger’s handle. This hippogriff is about to get nine feet of cold piercing metal through its hot bird-slash-horse intestines. You attempt to raise the blade… but… you’re not strong enough. Your arm muscles were aching just dragging this bad boy. The bladesmith warned you it was too heavy. Why didn’t […]
Maybe the hippogriff only looks crazed. You’re not an expert on hippogriff biology. They might froth at the mouth when they’re extremely happy… or horny…? You hold up Killfinger with one trembling hand, then outstretch the other toward the creature. It slowly and cautiously stretches out its neck, its beak inches from your hand. The […]
Now that your blade is half as long and weighs half as much, you can actually sorta hold it. While the hippogriff is distracted stomping on what was, for a whole hour, your most valuable possession in the whole world, you plunge the broken Killfinger into the back of the hippogriff’s neck. The beast stumbles […]
What good is a cool sword if you’re too dead to enjoy it? You drop Killfinger and quickly run from the hippogriff. The creature doesn’t give chase. Truthfully, you never imagined fighting a battle with Killfinger. You pictured it more as a statement piece for your living room. But now that you think about it, […]
If Santa’s Rage is over 100, click here. If you want to end negotiations, click here. Otherwise, return to the email and make more demands. How many can you get?
Santa begrudgingly signs the new union agreement. He gives you everything you asked for, along with a new on-site weight room where all the equipment is made of candy canes and heavy chocolate bars. The elves will get in shape if they can stop themselves from eating the dumbbells! CHEER overwhelmingly votes to accept the […]
“No, I change my mind,” Santa fumes. “This is too many basic protections, too soon. Deal’s off! Won’t you think of the presents? The children? The Santa licensing empire?!” “We’re all committed to kids getting presents,” you remind Santa. “But only some of us are committed to annual pay increases and sanitary working conditions.” “I’ll […]
