You will accept your fate and become The Santa. There’s no way you’ll disappoint the world’s 2.2 billion children, as much as you’d like to use your to do some cool MCU-type nonsense. The elves from S.H.E.L.F. (Santa Helpers Emergency Liability Force) arrive on the scene in their snow-camoflaged supersonic jet to pick you up, […]
At the North Pole, you are greeted and quickly debriefed by Christmas Operations Supervisor Mrs. Valencia Claus. (She’s married to Benjamin Claus, a dentist from Northern California who happens to have the same last name as Santa Claus, but is uninvolved with “holiday business.”) Since it’s already Christmas Eve, there’s no time to properly train […]
Surely, this is all a dream. You briefly close your eyes and breathe deeply to slow your racing heart rate. It works. Thanks, meditation app! Next, you think splashing yourself with cold water will help. You turn the faucet. Nothing happens. You hop to the next sink and turn the faucet. Nothing. To see if […]
Back at the bar, you hear faint, animalistic grunting. No, it’s not the hotel’s thin walls. Something compels you to follow the sounds to the hotel parking lot. The snow is freezing and your feet quickly become numb, but you don’t care. You hear the noise up ahead, behind the frozen dumpster. When you turn […]
You enter the hotel lobby, drawn hypnotically to the fireplace. There’s a fake, dimly lit electric log in there. Confident in your new abilities, you step onto the fake log, crushing it loudly under your enhanced frame. As you stand up into the chimney, your new body contorts and adapts. Then, in a flash, you […]
“Don’t panic,” screams the panicky elf directly into your brain. “You accidentally killed Santa Claus and have absorbed his special abilities. This usually happens in, like, June, when The Santa goes rock climbing or extreme mini-golfing. You are The Santa now. The fate of Christmas lies in your hands. Please maintain your location. An elf […]
