You growl into the receiver to intimidate the dognapping scum. “I don’t give money to dingleberries,” you scream. “Dingleberries like yourself!” “Dingleberries?” the kidnapper replies. “Are you in 6th grade? We could kill your dog right now. In fact, maybe we should, fartypants.” “Wait, don’t hurt Rottweiler! I’ll give you the $8,000.” “We only wanted […]
You agree to train Stellar Artois to become a legendary space wizard. “What would you like to focus on?” you ask the eager trainee with a demonic twinkle in his eye. “I want to focus on looking cool,” he explains. “Teach me to do more rad shit.” So you teach Stellar the ancient art of […]
You agree to train Stellar Artois, but you’re not sure what to focus on. “One second,” you tell Stellar, putting up one finger to emphasize the idea of “one.” Then you head over to the cosmic craps table. It never struck you as odd that StarPumpers was both a gym and casino. After all, what […]
You agree to train Stellar Artois. Immediately, you put Stellar through an intense training to make him less inclined towards violence, so he’ll be a kindly space wizard. The two of you meditate on a hover mountain. You supervise as he writes individual “just wanted to check in with you” texts to all his friends […]
You agree to train Stellar Artois. Immediately, you put Stellar through an intense training to grow his space wizard powers. Stellar learns to change a room to other colors besides blood red, like hot pink and calming lavender. You show him how to set useful things on fire, like fraudulent bookkeeping and wanted posters for […]
You agree to train Stellar Artois. Immediately, you put Stellar through an intense fitness regime, which includes crunches (crushing robots with his bare hands), burpees (injecting him with intelligent “burpee” microbes that work out his intestines while he sleeps), and push-ups (using his arms to lift his body into the air). After a few months, […]
“I’m sorry,” you apologize. “We’re not allowed to train evil space wizards like yourself. Store policy.” “Who says I’m evil?” Stellar exclaims. “Because of how I look? This scar is from when I valiantly defended a village of Kribaabo orphans during The Great Battlebot Wars. My red eye is genetic, and black cloaks are slimming.” […]
Maya gets the stickers! Some are unicorns and others are spaghetti. The theming is nonsense. She got the stickers even though she hit! Maya will hit even more. Maya grows up to be a championship MMA fighter, whose body is almost entirely broken by the time she’s 19. At 20, she’s elected Mayor of Las […]
Maya wanted stickers, but instead she gets coal. The coal has stickers on it. She tries to peel the stickers off, but she can’t. Maya finally understands the error of her ways and vows never to hit again. Maya grows up to become a Himalayan monk who practices a life of peace and silence, and […]
“Are you ready for your last gift?” Jasmine’s mother teases. “It’s from Santa!” Jasmine excitedly tears the bunsen beaker wrapping paper off the big box. It’s the Science… For Girls!? Laboratory Playset, exactly what she wanted! The kit comes with pink test tubes, a pink microscope, a set of pink rub-on tattoos of butterflies in […]
