Something’s up and you don’t like it. This pond isn’t what it used to be back in its heyday (several minutes ago). You retract all your pseudo-appendages into a single blob. Then you form a cyst wall around yourself. No one’s gettin’ into your cell, bucko. You’re fully protected and not busy changing shape. This […]
The mob boss’ office is on the third floor, up a final flight of stairs in a walled off area. Upstairs, you can hear your parents’ cries for mercy. His office is guarded by two goons. More goons? Man, this guy’s got a lot of goons. You’re pretty much gooned out. You decide to take […]
The mob boss’ office is on the third floor, up a final flight of stairs in a walled off area. Upstairs, you can hear your parents’ cries for mercy. His office is guarded by two goons. More goons? Man, this guy’s got a lot of goons. You’re pretty much gooned out. You decide to take […]
Behind the door to the mob boss’s office, you hear the tortured wails of your parents, and the muffled threats of the mob boss. “Should I take another finger?” the mob boss calmly asks. No time for second thoughts or “a strategy.” You burst inside the room guns ablazin’, and by guns, I mean your […]
You feel a tapping on your shoulder. Instinctually, you turn around and throw a punch, but the wiseguy goon steps back. His tie is loose and his top two buttons are undone. “Ayyyy, we got a wiseguy over here,” says the wiseguy goon. “Takes one to know one,” you sharply reply. “But it takes two […]
There’s a door on the second floor that reads, “Experimental Goon Laboratory.” Curious, you peak inside. A hideous mutant goon with scaly skin, three eyes, and seven ties rips at your face with its claws. You immediately close the door. After giving it careful consideration, you realize you hate the mutant goon most of all. […]
You smell something delicious. On the second floor of the warehouse is there’s a kitchen. You spot the delightful, elderly mama goon in an apron at the stove. She doesn’t turn around, but senses your presence. “Would you like a plate of baked ziti?” asks the mama goon. “The secret ingredient is love.” You step […]
As you walk around the second floor, the environment begins to flicker and glitch around you. “Is your reality becoming… undone?” asks the nerdy gamer goon, swiveling around in her black leather chair. She wears a VR helmet that is very cool. It has a light-up strip around the edges. Very cinematic! “Allow me to […]
You look around the second floor of the warehouse. There are boxes labeled “Robert E. Lee – Bronze Beards” and “Jefferson Davis – Shitty Goatees.” Jumping out from behind the boxes is a screaming goon carrying a knife! He races towards you, pointy end first! “I’M GONNA KILL YOU SO GOOD THAT I GET A […]
You’re badly bruised and out of breath. Everytime you try to get back to your feet, your knees buckle and you hit the floor. This is all a bit disappointing, given your orange belt in Taekwando. You’ve won a number of tournaments against children at the mall dojo! A group of goons grab your arms, […]
