As a knight from the Kingdom of Dankmore, you’ve always resented the fact that only the king gets a nice chair. The king never goes on quests, slays dragons, or jousts, all activities with the potential to destroy your body. Yet he gets to sit all day on the big soft chair? He gets to […]
The poor captured bear stares numbly from across the ring. Whereas you decide to break your body for fun, profit, and artistic expression, Big Honker doesn’t have a choice. It’s being forced to perform. So you speak out on behalf of the bear. “Before we start this match,” you yell to the fans, who are […]
You cautiously make your way to the middle of the ring, sizing up the bear. Big Honker saunters over to you, then stands on his hind legs. Now that Big Honker’s in position, it’s time to strike. You slide under the bear’s open legs, climb up the wobbly ring post, and fall onto the bear’s […]
You cautiously make your way to the middle of the ring, sizing up the bear. Big Honker saunters over to you, then stands on his hind legs. Now that Big Honker’s in position, it’s time to strike. You slide under the bear’s open legs, climb up the wobbly ring post, and leap onto the bear’s […]
You cautiously make your way to the middle of the ring, sizing up the bear. Big Honker saunters over to you, then stands on his hind legs. Now that Big Honker’s in position, it’s time to strike. You slide under the bear’s open legs, quickly stand and leap onto his back… So it turns out […]
Nope, you’re not wrestling a bear. No way. What you wouldn’t give to be smacked in the face with a steel chair instead! Remembering a nature documentary about grizzly bears you fell asleep during once, you decide to play dead. You lie in the middle of the ring, hands behind your head. The bear looks […]
Nope, you’re not wrestling a bear. No way. What you wouldn’t give to be smacked in the face with a steel chair instead! You roll under the bottom ring rope, which is just a couple jump ropes tied together, and head for your car. Big Honker growls in anger. The crowd boos loudly and ferociously, […]
Amoebas are always changing shape. You need to keep up with the trends. You squeeze yourself a bit, growing two long thin fingers. Nah, that’s no good. What are you going to do with two entire fingers? You pull yourself together, then pancake out into one big blob. That’s no good either. Frankly, it’s basic. […]
You recently overdid it eating dead plant and animal matter. Time to lighten the ol’ amoeba load. Oxygen enters your membrane. It runs through you, pushing out the waste gases. Ahhh, cleansing.* If you’re feeling active now, click here. Otherwise… THE END * Work for Goop? Email me. I have a product pitch.
There’s a dead fish nearby. You know what that means? Particles. Delicious particles. You propel yourself toward the decaying fish. There’s a particle near you now. You extend your pseudopods around the particle to engulf it. Yum! Tastes way better than bacteria. If you’re feeling gassy, click here. Otherwise… THE END
