When you return to consciousness, you cannot move. Your whole body is in pain. Fluorescent light shines in your eyes. The harsh light is soon eclipsed by the face of a harried nurse. “I’m glad to see you’re awake,” the nurse smiles. “You were mauled by a bear. And boy, did it maul you up […]
How do you attract Bigfoot, a hairy male who makes easy money? You’ve got a solid hunch. At your laptop, you find a blurry “Bigfoot” photo on Google Image. Then you open it in Photoshop and add a blurry bow to the top of the head, blurry red lipstick, and two enormous blurry breasts. Though […]
You open the door to an impatient Bigfoot, who barges in and huffs impatiently. He stomps around the living room, the kitchenette, and the dining corner looking for his potential mate. “Oh, uh… you just missed her,” you lie. “But while I’ve got you here, my bathtub is full of shit–” Bigfoot freaks out! He […]
The waiter trips and stumbles over his untied laces. He crashes to the ground, landing face first in the birthday cake. When a kind waitress later presents your bill, you refuse to pay. The scene of the waiter ruining the cake was traumatizing, you lie, because a birthday clown ruined the cake at your 5th […]
The waiter goofily stumbles over his untied laces. He crashes to the ground, landing face first in the birthday cake. You laugh uproariously as the waiter gets up, wipes his face with his apron, and apologizes to the crying grandma whose birthday he ruined. After 207 years, the whole scene only gets funnier. Continue…
You wake up to a knock on the door and a whoosh. This has never happened before. Not in hundreds of years. You get up to inspect the door. At your feet, you find a bill for your stay. The date on the bill is the day after. You’ve finally crossed over into the next […]
You wake up to the sound of ocean waves crashing on the beach. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. How wonderful. You are gorgeous. You live in paradise. You are an all-knowing being. You have great slippers. Yes, sometimes you feel like a bird in a gilded cage, but this cage has premium cable. […]
Before the time loop started, you broke off the engagement with your fiancée. You were worried things were moving too fast. You weren’t ready to commit for a whole life together. Now you’ve spent several lifetimes alone in paradise. You miss true companionship. And even though it won’t matter in the morning, it would ease […]
You drive to the local Fantasee Casino and make your way to the blackjack table. Prior to the time loop, you were an accountant. Now you are a god-level card counter. After winning hand after hand after hand, the dealer begins shuffling more frequently, adding more decks, and calling over goons, but you casually smile […]
You drive to the local Paradise Mart to purchase gasoline, a blowtorch, and a crowbar. When the clerk asks what it’s for, you tell him your kid’s science fair project. Then you wink, as if to say, “I’m actually going to blow up a fireworks factory!” Step One: Pry open factory door’s padlock with crowbar. […]
