You arrive at home early Christmas morning. As you shed your hat and coat in the living room, your partner notes that you look very different from when you left a week ago. What’s with the long… fake white beard and the big… fake belly? You explain that the belly’s permanent, the beard is fashionable, […]
You arrive a few miles from your hometown at the Horrorshow animal testing facility. At Horrorshow, they invent new and unique tools for torturing bunnies and hampsters, which they sell to laboratories and cosmetic companies. It’s Christmas Eve and the snow is coming down hard. The lab is closed, but you bet the animals inside […]
You arrive a few miles from your hometown at a Scrooge Bank branch. It’s Christmas Eve and it’s snowing pretty hard. The bank is closed, but you bet there’s more than a few stockings’ worth of cash inside.
Why should you spend your night knocking yourself out delivering toys for a bunch of whiny babies who’ll be told a few years later there’s no such thing as you? You are real, you have godlike super holiday abilities, and you’ll use them however you see fit!
You temporarily slow down time to sneak your way past S.H.E.L.F. agents. The jet’s door is slightly ajar. You use your body manipulation to slip inside, then use your Santa engineering knowledge to operate all the controls simultaneously. (Normally a team of three elf pilots is required, so well done.) And you psychically alert all […]
You park your jolly tuchus on Santa’s sleigh. Valencia waves goodbye as your sleigh full of magic present sacks ascends into the frosty night sky, powered by eight union reindeer. Equipped with the full knowledge and power set of Santa Claus, you slow the world’s clocks to a crawl to give yourself more time, communicate […]
You don’t even hesitate. Christmas is on the line. Christmas! How bad could the side effects be from one little sugar cookie? You bite into the sweet, moist treat. The crackles of sugar crystals explode in your mouth! Instantly, you feel a change. Your feet lift a foot off the ground. Your eyes twinkle and […]
Valencia and the elves look disappointed, but they understand. The cookie’s never been tested. It would take someone with extraordinary courage, the ultimate superpower, to eat the cookie and sacrifice themselves for the children of the world. But their guilt trip doesn’t work on you. The kids’ parents will buy them the plastic garbage they […]
You will accept your fate and become The Santa. There’s no way you’ll disappoint the world’s 2.2 billion children, as much as you’d like to use your to do some cool MCU-type nonsense. The elves from S.H.E.L.F. (Santa Helpers Emergency Liability Force) arrive on the scene in their snow-camoflaged supersonic jet to pick you up, […]
At the North Pole, you are greeted and quickly debriefed by Christmas Operations Supervisor Mrs. Valencia Claus. (She’s married to Benjamin Claus, a dentist from Northern California who happens to have the same last name as Santa Claus, but is uninvolved with “holiday business.”) Since it’s already Christmas Eve, there’s no time to properly train […]
