You snarl into the receiver to intimidate the dognapping scum.

“Did you know I’m a bounty hunter, dipshit?” you scream. “It’s huntering time!”

“Oh, we know,” the kidnapper replies. “But you have 2 stars on Yelp, so we’ll take our chances. Come to the park or else.”

“The poor reviews are because I don’t invoice promptly–”

The kidnapper hangs up.

The next evening, you drop the $5,000 off in the ransom tree. Moments later, out of a bush your dog comes running out. She licks your face, and you lick hers. You’ve never been so relieved. A guy dressed entirely in black wearing a ski mask also runs out of the bush. You chase the man down and tackle him to the ground with your bulging forearms!

“Gotcha!” you exclaim.

“Cut!” screams a film director off to the side holding an iPhone on a tripod. “I don’t know who you are…”

“Wait, I can explain…”

“But would you do that again, only way harder? Really murder my friend over there. I want to make you the star of my film school thesis project, Life’s Problems.”

You just went from dognapping sucker to part-nabbing suck-lebrity!

THE END