You dip your chemically-infused popsicle stick into the vat of bubbling blue sugar sludge. When you pull it out, a fully formed Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream popsicle is on the stick. It looks pristine. The head spikes are well defined, the colors aren’t bleeding, and even the gumball eyes are exactly where pupils should be. In a word? Radiant.

“Gotta go fast! Sonic the Hedgehog the movie is only on Blu-Ray for a limited time,” the Sonic popsicle says with its ice cream mouth. “Should I say anything else before I die?”

“How about a game tip?” you ask.

“At the title screen for the original Sonic the Hedgehog, hold A while pressing Up, Down, Left, Right. When you hear the chime, press Start. You’ll be able to level select. Okay to die now?”

“Yes Sonic,” you assure him. “You may die.”

The popsicle loses consciousness, so you bite into Sonic. He has a sweet, non-distinct “blue” flavor. This popsicle is going to make you a billionaire.


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