You dip your chemically-infused popsicle stick into the vat of bubbling blue sugar sludge. As you dip, you make a horrifying realization. Instead of the key ingredient Tungsten, you used the element Tantalum, which is a rare, lustrous metal used to create superalloys for jet engines and nuclear reactors. You knew that off the top of your head, too. Didn’t need to Google it.

You lift the stick out of the vat. On the stick is a Sonic face with a dozen glowing gumball eyes. The eyes spin hypnotically.

“I am Sonzor, the all-knowing,” the popsicle psychically tells you. “What is your question?”

“What’s the meaning of life?” you ask.

Sonzor’s eyes shuffle around on its ice cream face.

“There is no higher spiritual meaning or purpose to life that is beyond human understanding. Your existence is not being monitored by a cosmic overlord. Everything that is important to you is important only because it is important to you. Live every moment like it is your last, because it could be. There is no way of knowing, since there is no grand plan. Only chaos. Also, Sonzor says: don’t be a fool, smoking isn’t cool.”

With that, Sonzor’s eyes merge into a bright orb. The orb spins at unfathomable speeds, then disappears out of existence. You are left blinking, dumbfounded. Then the profound weight of Sonzor’s words finally sink in.

“Kids are gonna love this!” you shout.


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