You arrive at home early Christmas morning. As you shed your hat and coat in the living room, your partner notes that you look very different from when you left a week ago. What’s with the long… fake white beard and the big… fake belly? You explain that the belly’s permanent, the beard is fashionable, and what you’re about to do is so real it’s surreal, so get the kids in here. And start recording. You use your animal communication abilities to encourage the old family dog to do new tricks, like backflips, playing dead, and reorganizing the receipt box for tax time next year. You ask the cat to let everyone pet her belly, but she politely declines.

Your family is amazed and proud of you. They’d be even happier if Christmas wasn’t officially canceled, but it’s still an amazing display.

THE END