You resent having to work on Christmas. If you have to spend the night teaching some old crank a lesson, it might as well be at an indoor theme park with rollercoasters, live shows, and all your favorite characters!

In a few magical hand gestures, your transport Scrooge into the future for a slimin’ good time at Nickelodeon Universe inside the American Dream mall in Minnesota. You force Scrooge to play Moose Mountain Adventure Golf (he loses), take a photo with Leo and Raph from the Ninja Turtles (he hates them), and strap into the almost 60 foot drop on the thrilling Splat-O-Sphere (he vomits)!

After cursing you for a few hours straight, Scrooge takes notice of the gaudy Christmas decorations.

“Why is that enormous Christmas ornament adorned with the face of a smiling yellow demon?” Scrooge questions.

“That’s Spongebob Squarepants. He’s a cartoon character that’s generated over $13 billion in revenue for Nickelodeon,” you explain.

“13 billion… Wait a moment,” Scrooge realizes. “I finally see the error of my ways.”

“You’ve learned the true meaning of Christmas? To be generous to others?”

“No, that’s pure idiocy. Rather than fight Christmas, I need to lean into this potentially lucrative opportunity. Invest my coin in businesses able to capitalize on the burgeoning holiday market. Candy makers, tree loggers, sponge pants manufacturers. Christmas is a never ending goldmine and I’m going to mine it for riches!”

You tuned Scrooge out when Paw Patrol began dancing, but it sounds like Scrooge gets the basic gist of Christmas now. Time to squeeze in one more ride on the Fairly Odd Coaster before sending this jerk back to a time before the pure joy of corporate media overlords.

THE END