You park your jolly tuchus on Santa’s sleigh. Valencia waves goodbye as your sleigh full of magic present sacks ascends into the frosty night sky, powered by eight union reindeer. Equipped with the full knowledge and power set of Santa Claus, you slow the world’s clocks to a crawl to give yourself more time, communicate with your reindeer to keep your sleigh on course, and manipulate your body to chimney slide and deliver presents to all the good girls and boys.

Christmas is saved. You did it! You used your powers selflessly, performing what felt like an eternity’s worth of backbreaking labor in one night, suffering brutal snowstorms and dodging the deadly fan blades of commercial airplanes. But it’s all worth it to know that children around the world got to experience the magic of Christmas. Unfortunately, your Christmas was less than magical. Upon returning to your family, you spend the next two weeks on the toilet with painful gas. A hero’s sacrifice.

Soon you will return to the North Pole and begin your training to become the next… The Santa!

THE END