Valencia and the elves look disappointed, but they understand. The cookie’s never been tested. It would take someone with extraordinary courage, the ultimate superpower, to eat the cookie and sacrifice themselves for the children of the world. But their guilt trip doesn’t work on you. The kids’ parents will buy them the plastic garbage they really want, eventually collecting in ocean landfills. No need for you to eat a cookie that’ll turn your organs into figgy pudding.

In mere moments, the S.H.E.L.F. team uses a special laser to re-absorb your Santa powers, which they’ll give to someone else. Ah well. Easy come, easy go. At least they give you a lift home in the jet. Your family will be surprised and delighted to see you! And you have quite a story to share tomorrow on the day formerly known as Christmas.

THE END