“Don’t panic,” screams the panicky elf directly into your brain. “You accidentally killed Santa Claus and have absorbed his special abilities. This usually happens in, like, June, when The Santa goes rock climbing or extreme mini-golfing. You are The Santa now. The fate of Christmas lies in your hands. Please maintain your location. An elf task force will pick you up for further instructions.”

You’re essentially a superhero. You have powers beyond the limits of all other mortal beings. Do you want to use those powers hauling Sonic the Hedgehog plushies for snot-nosed little brats to give them the most magical night of their lives? Or do you want to use those powers to do something frickin’ awesome at the expense of all the world’s children?

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