It’s Christmas morning. Your child unwraps their big present under the sparkling lights of the Christmas tree. Their eyes shine bright when they see… it’s the Sock Puppet!

Your child thanks you. Bows to you. Kisses your feet. Hugs your leg so tightly you lose circulation. Then they go upstairs to play with their new best friend and defend their burgeoning internet brand from unrelenting trolls.

Now you have plenty of time to enjoy your present to yourself: one of those machines that massages your legs. You slowly, achingly place your calves into the machine’s relaxation tubes. As the soothing vibrations envelope your legs, you quickly fall into a well-earned Christmas nap, thinking about how nice it feels to be anywhere but Kmart.


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