Your family comes to visit you on Christmas at the county jail. Since you’ve been in lock-up awaiting trial, you weren’t able to buy your kid the Sock Puppet. So, you surprise them with a handmade gift wrapped lovingly in toilet paper.

“A toothbrush?” asks your kid, in the rudest way possible, after unwrapping it.

“Not just a toothbrush,” you patiently explain. “See the pointy end? This is called a shiv. If one of your haters says your videos suck, find their physical address and give them a poke with this.”

“I love it,” your kid exclaims with a tear in their eye. “It’s the best gift a budding social media influencer could ask for!”

“Merry Christmas,” you reply. “Just keep it away from the dog.”


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