“How about a decryption contest?” you frantically ask the screen. “If I can decrypt the file faster, you don’t take my soul. If you decrypt it faster, my soul is yours.”

“Challenge accepted,” the devil replies. “The file is in the main directory – D3V1LXDAN13L_W3BST3R.exe. It’s a practically illegible literary reference. Let the decryption begin!”

You type as fast as you can. You run the file through multiple decryption algorithms. Algorithm after algorithm after algorithm. Just, like, tons of algorithms, y’know? But nothing seems to be able to crack this file. Hackdammit!

“Uh oh,” the devil says. “We’ve been illegally on this server too long. Log-off, cyber-bud! This is your hackpack pal Chaos Megacharge. Log-off!”

It was all a prank. Which makes sense, because you’re an atheist who doesn’t believe Satan is real. From your bedroom window, you see police cars pulling up to the front of your mom’s apartment.

You immediately unplug your computer and eat the hard drives. Luckily, you bought a special type of hard drive that actually tastes like delicious dark chocolate! After consuming nothing but Mountain Goo for two years, this is the best meal you’ve had in a long time.


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