You agree to install the system update. But first, the phone asks you to agree to a long page of terms and conditions. A cautious consumer, you slowly and carefully read the text. The legalese suggests that the new updates are meant to help you reconnect with what remains of humanity, but that if you do not, you waive your right to sue Apple, its executives, Genius Bar employees, the good folks at MacLife magazine, those guys on YouTube who find weird old Macs and repair them while telling you interesting facts about them, Footnote-in-Apple-History Gil Amelio, or the sentient M1 MacBooks who roam the desert on motorbikes, hunting for “fleshlings.”

By the time you’ve read all the terms and conditions, the signal is gone. You missed your chance. But in a way, you’re relieved. The right to sue is what makes America great, damn it. If you ever find civilization, you vow to sue Apple for every penny they have, even if the court system no longer exists.


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